As a follow up to last week’s piece on “What do Korean American Women Want”, this week we will take a look at the opposite perspective.  There isn’t much of a background story to tell except that these reflections are based on my personal experiences, either first hand or stories I have heard from those around me.

Simply put, Korean American men are one of the most insecure species on this planet.  When I say planet, I’m including not just humans, but among all mammals.  For now, I’m going to exclude Korean men from my discussion because they have their own set of issues that are vastly different than the Korean American male.

In the United States, when it comes to dating and social culture, you can’t get much lower on the totem pole than being a Korean American male.  Growing up, we’re the most sheltered among all our peers (a lot of girls like the “bad boy” vibe which we are not, we’re not genetically built to stand out in any American sports except for maybe tennis, golf, baseball, and perhaps soccer.  Lastly, Asian men, in general, aren’t considered sexy or hot.  I’m not saying this applies to all Korean American males, but from my experience, this has been more common than not.  The cultural history of our “species” has shown we’re not the high school quarterback that all the girls cheer for on the sidelines.  We’re the dorky, smart, or quiet “Asian guy” when compared to those around us.

As a result, we are really insecure.  We don’t have the confidence to ask girls out, especially the outgoing and good looking ones.  And if she’s non-Asian, we probably barely have the courage to even have a conversation with them. Of course we think we’re smart and sometimes have a sense of humor, but we don’t get the feedback from girls that give us the confidence to just go for it and ask someone out.  But, a lot of this is due to Asian girls also having the similar insecurities and what would solve this whole dilemma is for girls to show a little more effort or feedback when she think an awkward Asian dude is trying to talk to you.

At the end of the day, I think what Korean American Men want is rather simple.  We want security.  We want to date girls that can shelter us from the stereotypes of the real world and make us feel like we are the alpha males we want to be.  We want the person we date to be like our mothers in a way; someone to take care of us and be supportive no matter what we do.  We want a Korean American girl who knows how to adapt to the modern customs of American dating, appreciate the value of career development ,  and understand some of the “Asian values” taught to us by our parents.

In talking with a bunch of my peers, there were some common things we as Korean American men want in a girl:

1. A Looker: Someone attractive (to each his own and Korean is probably the preferred ethnicity, but we all want to date a “white girl” once, right? jk )
2. Options: Is willing and capable to pursue and develop her career or raise family or both.
3. Bi-lingual: There’s no better way to win parents over than speaking in Korean to them.
4. Says “No” to: Smoking, Drugs, and perhaps once in awhile Alcohol
5. Modestly Outgoing:  We want girls who know how to have fun, but not too much fun!
6. Anti-cling: For some reason, clingy girls were cool to date in high school, but now someone who can balance affection and independence is ideal.
7. Material Girl… Not: Well dressed girls definitely can catch a guys eye, but too much bling and all we think is “$kaching!”

I think this is a good start, but feel free to provide feedback or add to the list.  One disclaimer is that because we Korean American men are so insecure, it’s tough to know what we want, but at the end of the day, if you make us feel like Tom Brady’s got nothing on us, we’ll love you.

-Johnny

I was having dinner with a few friends the other day and we were talking about our ideal person to date.  I’ll just call them Mike, Jenn, and Eunice (probably 3 of the more common Korean American names of our generation.  Jenn who is a 27 year old working professional in New York City asked, “Hey, do you know any guys you could setup Eunice with?”  I looked over at Eunice to see her blush a little, but not even attempt to retract the request.  Eunice, who is a 30 year New Yorker working for a non-profit organization is a very sweet person and reminds me of a Korean Meg Ryan.  So our conversation went something like this…

Johnny: Well, what kind of guy are you looking for?
Eunice: Someone sweet and has a good foundation.
Johnny: Uh, can you be a bit more vague?
Eunice: Someone who is educated, has a good job, and oh, goes to church.
Johnny: Thats better, what about looks?
Eunice: I think he should be Korean-American but I guess I’m open to all Asian.  He should be tall.

(At this point I can tell she’s not really into dating a non-Korean, but more like she’s desperate)

Johnny: Is this someone you want to date or marry?
Eunice:  Well, of course to marry… what’s the point of dating if you’re not going to marry them?

(Mike and I look at each other and through eye contact we know there are several other reasons)

Mike: Eunice, you’re going to scare off every guy you meet if you say you want to get married soon.
Jenn: That’s not true, lots of guys want to get married.
Mike: Not until they have to!

(At this point, I realize Eunice just wants to find a decent guy who is willing to take a relationship seriously, unlike Mike.

Johnny: Alright, I’m a number guy, give me  list of criteria to use and I’ll set you up.
Eunice: 1. At least 6 inches taller than me (she’s 5′ 2″ — the average height of all Korean girls)
Eunice: 2. Has to be Christian (and when she means Christian, she means Presbyterian — the most popular denomination of all Korean Americans)
Eunice: 3. Have a college degree
Eunice: 4. A good and stable job.  I don’t need to live fancy, just a modest home and enough to support a family of 4 or 5.
Eunice: 5. Not a smoker
Eunice: 6. Be supportive and always willing to listen to me

Johnny: Wow, sounds like a job description.  What about personality?
Eunice: Oh well, he should be funny, somewhat witty, and I kind of like them a little dorky.
Johnny: Jenn, what about you?  Do you have similar criteria?

Jenn:  1. He has to be taller than me with heels on. (She’s 5′ 6″ and with 3 or 4 inch heels, you’re talking 5’9″ or 5’10″ to be on the safe side
Jenn: 2. Athletic build body
Jenn: 3. Funny and smart with an outgoing personality.
Jenn: 4. Any type of Christian, Protestant, Catholic – doesn’t matter as long as we read from the same Bible
Jenn: 5.  Passionate about something whether it’s a hobby or work
Jenn: 6. Someone who shows me that they like me a lot

Johnny: Ok, well I post those on Craigslist and see who responds…
Eunice: No!  I thought you were going to find friends for us.
Johnny: Oh, so both of you want to be introduced… I’ll get back to you on that.

So we chat a bit more in detail as I stared into a gaze trying to think of who I could setup them up with.  It was difficult to think of my friends as smart or passionate guys, but the whole height thing can be a challenging criteria.

I then spoke to a few other Korean American females and found out their responses weren’t too dissimilar from each other.  The consensus is that Korean American girls are looking for other Korean American guys (even though they say they are open, in truth, they really aren’t; this is because our parents have successfully driven into our heads that we can only marry Korean) who have a sense of personality most often humor or wit, taller the better, believe in God, have a decent job, and willing to treat them like the Princess they have always dreamed of being.  Everything else seems negotiable.  So if any of you guys are reading this, this is what Korean American women want…

NEXT WEEK: What do Korean American Men Want?

-johnny

Interesting article in the New York Times over the weekend about stand-up comedian Helen Hong’s attempt at speed matchmaking.  However, her twist is that she uses a comedy show to get people in the audience to meet each other.  She teamed up with Comix, a Manhattan comedy club to fill a room with Asians and let Helen do her thing.  So what was the genesis of this effort?

Ms. Hong spent enough time in South Korea to be familiar with a phenomenon called “booking,” in which men at a nightclub heavily tip a waiter to physically drag a young woman they’ve noticed over to their table. “It’s barbaric,” Ms. Hong said. “And of course the women have to look like they’re really protesting or else they look like a slut.” But she understood the basic motivation: “In most East Asian cultures, you can’t meet someone new unless you’re introduced by a third party.”

If you live in New York, it might be worth checking out and it’d also be good to support a Korean-American stand-up comedian.  Read more at the NYTimes.com>