Have you ever been on a date and before you eat, the person you are having dinner with bows his or her head and says grace?  It’s not uncommon these days among many Korean Americans who usually, if religious, will be some denomination of Christianity, Buddhist, and even some Muslim.  A majority of what I have seen is Christian, Atheist, or a nondenominational believer of God.  Even within Christianity, there are various faith groups including Catholics, Presbyterians, Lutherans, Baptists, etc.  But, the question I have always had is, how important is the religious belief of the person I am dating.  I took a look at some familiar scenarios I have seen  to reflect on.

Guy is Atheist and Girls is Atheist: God who?  Let’s just do whatever we want and whenever we want.

Guy is Presbyterian and Girl is Presbyterian: A potential match made in “Heaven”.  This couple can go to church together, pray before meals together, and more importantly, they believe it is God who has brought them together.

Guy is Presbyterian and Girl is Atheist: I’ve noticed religion is less important to guys than girls, but I could be wrong.  As a result, the guy plays the religious component down and does everything he can to make the girls feel comfortable so religion never really becomes a factor.

Guy is Atheist and Girl is Presbyterian: While at first this may not seem like the ideal scenario, I’ve noticed girls can be very passionate about their religion.  Girls could be attracted to the “bad boy” type at first and then feel like once they get to know the guy, she can begin talking about how important God is to her and eventually be the catalyst for the guy to be “saved”.

Guy is Catholic and Girl is Presbyterian: Might be easier to predict the stock market.  The feasibility of this relationship depends on the girl’s interpretation of whether Catholicism is technically a Christian religion.   Often times, answers do vary on this interpretation.

Guy is Presbyterian and Girl is Catholic: Another toss up.  If both are open-minded, then the relationship has potential.  But, even it does work out, what about the kids?!!!

I am sure there are many other combinations but have yet to see a Buddhist and a Christian really hit it off.

The above are just random samples of what I’ve seen in my short time here on Earth.  What I do notice is that religion does affect whether someone wants to go on a second and third date.   However, often times, it’s less of a factor that one might think so long as both parties are open minded and respectful.  I find this the best way to approach everything from politics, to religion and even the question of marriage — to be open minded.   I’ve seen where spirituality (not necessary faith by religion) is something that brings people closer whether the same denomination or not.   The practice of some sort of faith instills a spiritual component to any relationship that can help couples get through the more challenging times.   And for those who believe in a God but don’t believe in God, they should be open minded about the possibility of a spiritual life in any form that works for them.

-Johnny

Growing up, it was very black and white for me when it came to labeling a relationship.  For me, it was all or nothing.   Without really ever considering marriage as a real option, I took relationships as serious as I could.   When I reached college, I was introduced to a variety of gray zones that changed my perspective on dating as I learned new terms and ways to define “relationships”.

A lot of my peers grew up feeling that relationships didn’t have to be all or nothing.  They used phrases such as “im just seeing her” or “we’re just talking” or “we’re casually dating”.  And I was always confused as to how two people in a so-called relationship could technically not be in a relationship.  They would avoid the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” like it was the plague and deny any existence of commitment.  Why was this and, more importantly, was it for the better?

Even today, I know several friends who look up and shrug their shoulders when they are asked if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend.  Others deny they are in a relationship and say “im sorta seeing someone, but it’s not that serious”.  On the flip side, I meet a lot of people who are “in love” and post their relationship status on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and perhaps even their resumes.  So the question is what makes people so fond of being in a relationship but others so afraid?

One explanation is that it’s an indicator of how you feel about the potential of the relationship.  In other words, if you really like someone, why wouldn’t you want to be officially in a relationship with them and let others know?   The obvious benefit being that it deters anybody else from going after your boyfriend/girlfriend, but more importantly it shows that both parties are happy to be in their current relationship.  So if you don’t want someone to be your girlfriend, maybe you don’t like them enough?

A second explanation is fear.  Perhaps the reason one doesn’t want titles in a relationship is because they were hurt in a prior relationship and prefer to keep things casual so they don’t get hurt again.   While I understand this thinking, I don’t agree since all relationships depend on each person’s effort and commitment for the relationship to work.  And although you may want casual, it will eventually lead to something serious if indeed you really like someone.

A third explanation is that it’s a purely physical relationship.  Some people just care about the sex or the physical presence of another person and don’t want it to go beyond that. This is fine with me as long as both people are aware.   However, in most cases, if not all, someone is bound to get hurt because it’s human nature to develop a sense of attraction or attachment regardless of the predetermined conditions.

In the end, I think the answer to the question in the title for me is “Probably”.  I think all relationships need to be defined so that expectations can be clearly communicated.  I can understand that people can be scared of commitment and taking things too seriously.  But I’m a big believer in organic growth of any relationship.  If you really develop a sense of attractive and connection, why not take it seriously?

While titles aren’t necessary if two people are committed, ambiguity leaves room for manipulation and misinterpretation, which leads to heartache.  Perhaps one explanation for the disconnect of whether or not we want to be labeled “boyfriend or girlfriend” is that when we are teenagers, we are naive and the concept of marriage is so far away, titles really don’t matter.  But, later in life, relationships potentially become more serious and titles imply rather permanent things like marriage, which we may not be ready for.  I believe there is a middle ground where you can be boyfriend and girlfriend but share an understanding that marriage is not on the horizon just yet.

-Johnny

Once upon a time, the “normal” dating relationship consisted of a man and woman with the woman being younger than the man by a couple years or so.  I’ve always wondered why this was the case and decided to investigate among the Korean-American community.

In speaking with several Korean-Americans in their 20′s and 30′s, I’ve noticed a few common themes that are not necessarily specific to Korean-Americans, but all people.  In general, women have been the ones driving this tradition.  When a man meets a woman, age is not something that comes to his mind (unless it is of course a question of whether she is too young…. for legal reasons).  However, when a woman meets a man, it seems that among those that I spoke with, age is a huge question mark.  Why?  Simple.  Women, as they become more mature, start thinking about family and their future.  So, naturally, they are attracted to men who have stable jobs and have building a family as part of their future goals.

Another common perception that women have of younger guys is that they are naturally less mature.  They feel that men have more to “get out of their system” and need to “grow up” and as a result, prefer to find someone older.  I’m not sure how much this is nature vs. nurture, but there probably is some part of the male animal instinct that wants to stay out in the “wild”.

While I can understand the sentiments of women 30,20, and even up to 10 years ago, today’s society has transformed so much since when the mainstream culture and mindset was “man works, woman takes care of home.”  Certainly, this formula can still work, and to each his or her own, but let’s take a honest look at how our culture and society has changed today and how we can adapt.

Today, women are becoming more active and prominent in the workforce.  Women are becoming partners at investment banks, law firms, and taking positions as executives of Fortune 500 companies (Andrea Jung, CEO of Avon shown left).   Even though men still make up the majority of the workforce, the growth of women in business has been so strong, one has to consider the phrase “woman works, man takes care of home.”  Does it sound weird?  Women have proven they are fully capable of developing a professional career, having babies, and then continuing their career.  So the question to men is, are you ready to be a stay at home dad?

Speaking with several Korean American’s, I asked a series of questions and was surprised at the responses.  A lot of the Korean American guys I talked to said they would be open to being a stay at home dad.  A lot of them felt with the internet, they could find a way to still “work” while learning ways to take care of the home.  Of course, the reaction from our parents would be less favorable.  In Korean culture, even today, being a housewife is really only an occupation for women.  However, in the United States, it seems we have to be more open given the growth of women as valuable members in the workforce.

If stability is less of a concern since woman too can have stable careers, then would they be open to dating a younger guy?  The answer from my female peers was a lukewarm “maybe”.  They still maintain the mindset that maturity comes with age and that maturity is synonymous with stability.   Among the guys I spoke to, the consensus was a definite “yes” to being open to dating older women.  Many of the Korean American men I spoke to feel like they have stable careers and if they met the right girl, could settle down.

So after all these conversations, I started to believe that the tradition of women only dating older men is only in people’s heads.  I think we need to get out of the old way of thinking and adapt to the new.  To be honest, sometimes I find older women more attractive because they know what they want.  Younger people usually have to figure that out, which comes with time.  But, every person is different so why not get to know the person, be open-minded and see where that goes?! (See Demi and Ashton!)

Here are 3 points for men to consider when meeting an older woman:
1.  Don’t be afraid to let girls know you have a good, stable job.
2. If relevant, feel free to talk about family values and perhaps even goals you may have
3. Make her feel young – be upbeat about life and show self control

Here are 3 points for women to consider when meeting a younger man:
1. If he makes you feel young or happy, age really doesn’t matter, does it!
2. If he is passionate about life and his career, that’s called stability in a nutshell
3. Just because he doesn’t jump up and down about kids doesn’t mean he’s not ready, just a little convincing!

-Johnny

I was having dinner with a few friends the other day and we were talking about our ideal person to date.  I’ll just call them Mike, Jenn, and Eunice (probably 3 of the more common Korean American names of our generation.  Jenn who is a 27 year old working professional in New York City asked, “Hey, do you know any guys you could setup Eunice with?”  I looked over at Eunice to see her blush a little, but not even attempt to retract the request.  Eunice, who is a 30 year New Yorker working for a non-profit organization is a very sweet person and reminds me of a Korean Meg Ryan.  So our conversation went something like this…

Johnny: Well, what kind of guy are you looking for?
Eunice: Someone sweet and has a good foundation.
Johnny: Uh, can you be a bit more vague?
Eunice: Someone who is educated, has a good job, and oh, goes to church.
Johnny: Thats better, what about looks?
Eunice: I think he should be Korean-American but I guess I’m open to all Asian.  He should be tall.

(At this point I can tell she’s not really into dating a non-Korean, but more like she’s desperate)

Johnny: Is this someone you want to date or marry?
Eunice:  Well, of course to marry… what’s the point of dating if you’re not going to marry them?

(Mike and I look at each other and through eye contact we know there are several other reasons)

Mike: Eunice, you’re going to scare off every guy you meet if you say you want to get married soon.
Jenn: That’s not true, lots of guys want to get married.
Mike: Not until they have to!

(At this point, I realize Eunice just wants to find a decent guy who is willing to take a relationship seriously, unlike Mike.

Johnny: Alright, I’m a number guy, give me  list of criteria to use and I’ll set you up.
Eunice: 1. At least 6 inches taller than me (she’s 5′ 2″ — the average height of all Korean girls)
Eunice: 2. Has to be Christian (and when she means Christian, she means Presbyterian — the most popular denomination of all Korean Americans)
Eunice: 3. Have a college degree
Eunice: 4. A good and stable job.  I don’t need to live fancy, just a modest home and enough to support a family of 4 or 5.
Eunice: 5. Not a smoker
Eunice: 6. Be supportive and always willing to listen to me

Johnny: Wow, sounds like a job description.  What about personality?
Eunice: Oh well, he should be funny, somewhat witty, and I kind of like them a little dorky.
Johnny: Jenn, what about you?  Do you have similar criteria?

Jenn:  1. He has to be taller than me with heels on. (She’s 5′ 6″ and with 3 or 4 inch heels, you’re talking 5’9″ or 5’10″ to be on the safe side
Jenn: 2. Athletic build body
Jenn: 3. Funny and smart with an outgoing personality.
Jenn: 4. Any type of Christian, Protestant, Catholic – doesn’t matter as long as we read from the same Bible
Jenn: 5.  Passionate about something whether it’s a hobby or work
Jenn: 6. Someone who shows me that they like me a lot

Johnny: Ok, well I post those on Craigslist and see who responds…
Eunice: No!  I thought you were going to find friends for us.
Johnny: Oh, so both of you want to be introduced… I’ll get back to you on that.

So we chat a bit more in detail as I stared into a gaze trying to think of who I could setup them up with.  It was difficult to think of my friends as smart or passionate guys, but the whole height thing can be a challenging criteria.

I then spoke to a few other Korean American females and found out their responses weren’t too dissimilar from each other.  The consensus is that Korean American girls are looking for other Korean American guys (even though they say they are open, in truth, they really aren’t; this is because our parents have successfully driven into our heads that we can only marry Korean) who have a sense of personality most often humor or wit, taller the better, believe in God, have a decent job, and willing to treat them like the Princess they have always dreamed of being.  Everything else seems negotiable.  So if any of you guys are reading this, this is what Korean American women want…

NEXT WEEK: What do Korean American Men Want?

-johnny

This is the launch of the “Dear Johnny” Dating Column for Korean Beacon.  Each Friday, I will post some thoughts and insights on the dating life of Korean Americans so that when 5pm hits every Friday, you’ll either be inspired or just know better.

Every Korean guy should mark September 24th 2009 as the start of a new beginning, especially when it comes to their dating career.  From John Cho to Tim Kang to Brian Tee and even Ken Jeong, the sex appeal and marketability of Korean men has reached a new plateau thanks to the roles played by Korean Americans on major Primetime TV shows.  Korean American men are portrayed as funny, sorta bad ass, smart, tough, and at times even kinda sexy.  Why is this important to point out?  Because ever since I can remember, the number of Korean guys dating non-Korean girls is dwarfed by the number of Korean girls dating non-Korean guys.  And to be honest, for a long time, it felt as though despite being raised with solid family values, obtaining a world class education, and even picking up some manners along the way, Korean guys were an unwanted species by the female population.  Sure we may not be the most gifted physically, but we are loyal, caring, and believe it or not, super charming!  And big props (no pun intended) to Hollywood to finally acknowledge it!

As I was browsing through the multitude of Koreans on TV on Thursday night, I noticed Ken Jeong playing a rather funny teacher in the NBC series Community.  But, in the box office hit, The Hangover, Ken pulls of a full nude frontal that probably didn’t leave the ladies drooling for more, but I guess you gotta start somewhere.  I’m sure Megan Fox would have made a special appearance in the movie had it been Rain pulling off the exhibition.

Next, I noticed Brian Tee ,who is half Korean and half Japanese, in the season premiere of C.S.I.  He’s been known to play the badass in many movies including Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.  In the episode, Brian plays a wealthy guy who tragically lost his white girlfriend, played by Tahnya Tozzi, of almost 1 year, to a homicide.  Even though he didn’t get major airtime showing the relationship develop, I was convinced he loved her, especially when the cops came to interrogate him at the craps table and he pulled out a bling bling engagement ring and said something like “I was going to give this to her.”

Last but certainly not least, you’ve got John Cho, aka Harold, from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.  He’s an FBI agent in the new ABC series FlashForward with a pretty major role.  I guess after his sword fighting scene in Star Trek, Hollywood was convinced he could fight more than Romulans.  However, the reason I saved John for last is because of his break through role he can potentially play as the fiancé of the character played by Gabrielle Union. Yes, you read that correctly, the Gabrielle Union from the movies Bad Boys II and Deliver Us From Eva.

Pairing a Korean-American and a Black woman as a romantic couple on TV? I hope trends like this continue so that if I ever do fall in love with the likes of Halle Berry or even Beyonce, my parents will appreciate that in America, it’s all good. More importantly, I hope everyone can embrace that if you’re attracted to someone and get along with someone, nobody should care what the norm is and what others might think, just do it.

Interesting article in the New York Times over the weekend about stand-up comedian Helen Hong’s attempt at speed matchmaking.  However, her twist is that she uses a comedy show to get people in the audience to meet each other.  She teamed up with Comix, a Manhattan comedy club to fill a room with Asians and let Helen do her thing.  So what was the genesis of this effort?

Ms. Hong spent enough time in South Korea to be familiar with a phenomenon called “booking,” in which men at a nightclub heavily tip a waiter to physically drag a young woman they’ve noticed over to their table. “It’s barbaric,” Ms. Hong said. “And of course the women have to look like they’re really protesting or else they look like a slut.” But she understood the basic motivation: “In most East Asian cultures, you can’t meet someone new unless you’re introduced by a third party.”

If you live in New York, it might be worth checking out and it’d also be good to support a Korean-American stand-up comedian.  Read more at the NYTimes.com>