Once upon a time, I used to spend hours and hours planning out the perfect first date.  From the way I would greet her to where we would eat and where we would go after dinner, it was a formulaic masterpiece.  Back then, I was under the impression that the first date had to be a big fanfare in order to impress a girl.  So I found the best restaurant around, the most romantic place to have dessert, and even brought flowers to her when I picked her up.  However, after going on several dates and speaking with several girls who also had gone on many first dates I realized there are more cost effective ways of impressing a girl and that the amount of money one spends is often times unimportant.

As a guy, the ideal first date is more about sending a message than it is spending tons of money.  The kind of message that says, “hey, I think I like you so let’s get to know each other.”   I can also understand those that feel the problem with going all out on the first date is that it sets the bar too high.  It’s possible all that time and effort could create the expectation the second date and any future dates will match or exceed the first one.  So, as a general rule of thumb, I avoid spending too much money on the first date.

Sure, as a girl, I can understand it feels good to be taken out to a nice dinner and treated like a queen.  I am sure many guys can accommodate this type of experience, but perhaps more questions will be raised if the second date isn’t as big of an investment.  I’m not saying the first date has to be an expensive dinner or a sophisticated itinerary, but often times we guys think we can purchase ambiance by going to a nicer restaurant.   I was inspired to write this piece based on some fantastic stories I recently heard of friends and their effective first date stories.  Here’s one of them.

One of my friends, we’ll call him Tom, recently met a girl at a party who piqued his interest.   So he got her phone number and gave her a call the following day to setup a time for their first date.  Tom, who is a student on a limited budget, did not have the option of taking her to the fanciest or even most romantic restaurant.  However, he did manage to do one of the more creative things I have heard of on a first date.  They met at an agreed upon location and when they she arrived, he had one candy bar in each hand and show it to the girl and said the date could go in one of two directions depending on which candy bar she picked.  I thought this was a fun way to add a bit of spontaneity for both parties and so far required maybe a $2 investment.

On the back of each candy bar, Tom has two very separate ideas.  The idea behind one candy bar was to head to a museum and walk around followed by some wine and cheese afterward.  The idea behind the other candy bar was to rent bicycles and ride around the park and a mini picnic halfway through the ride.  Both required minimal cash and more importantly offered a comfortable, casual environment to get to know each other yet do something that is more interesting than the traditional sit down dinner first date.

It’s possible that an activity such as bike riding is not ideal or your date doesn’t drink alcohol, but I think the lesson is that a lot of good can come from thinking outside the box and perhaps offering some options could help make the first date be a memorable one that doesn’t break the bank and more importantly impresses your date enough to want a second date.  So I challenge all the guys and girls out there to avoid the fancy first date and try something new and/or spontaneous!

-Johnny

Interesting videos on youtube.  Take it as you wish and leave some feedback!

Growing up, it was very black and white for me when it came to labeling a relationship.  For me, it was all or nothing.   Without really ever considering marriage as a real option, I took relationships as serious as I could.   When I reached college, I was introduced to a variety of gray zones that changed my perspective on dating as I learned new terms and ways to define “relationships”.

A lot of my peers grew up feeling that relationships didn’t have to be all or nothing.  They used phrases such as “im just seeing her” or “we’re just talking” or “we’re casually dating”.  And I was always confused as to how two people in a so-called relationship could technically not be in a relationship.  They would avoid the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” like it was the plague and deny any existence of commitment.  Why was this and, more importantly, was it for the better?

Even today, I know several friends who look up and shrug their shoulders when they are asked if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend.  Others deny they are in a relationship and say “im sorta seeing someone, but it’s not that serious”.  On the flip side, I meet a lot of people who are “in love” and post their relationship status on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and perhaps even their resumes.  So the question is what makes people so fond of being in a relationship but others so afraid?

One explanation is that it’s an indicator of how you feel about the potential of the relationship.  In other words, if you really like someone, why wouldn’t you want to be officially in a relationship with them and let others know?   The obvious benefit being that it deters anybody else from going after your boyfriend/girlfriend, but more importantly it shows that both parties are happy to be in their current relationship.  So if you don’t want someone to be your girlfriend, maybe you don’t like them enough?

A second explanation is fear.  Perhaps the reason one doesn’t want titles in a relationship is because they were hurt in a prior relationship and prefer to keep things casual so they don’t get hurt again.   While I understand this thinking, I don’t agree since all relationships depend on each person’s effort and commitment for the relationship to work.  And although you may want casual, it will eventually lead to something serious if indeed you really like someone.

A third explanation is that it’s a purely physical relationship.  Some people just care about the sex or the physical presence of another person and don’t want it to go beyond that. This is fine with me as long as both people are aware.   However, in most cases, if not all, someone is bound to get hurt because it’s human nature to develop a sense of attraction or attachment regardless of the predetermined conditions.

In the end, I think the answer to the question in the title for me is “Probably”.  I think all relationships need to be defined so that expectations can be clearly communicated.  I can understand that people can be scared of commitment and taking things too seriously.  But I’m a big believer in organic growth of any relationship.  If you really develop a sense of attractive and connection, why not take it seriously?

While titles aren’t necessary if two people are committed, ambiguity leaves room for manipulation and misinterpretation, which leads to heartache.  Perhaps one explanation for the disconnect of whether or not we want to be labeled “boyfriend or girlfriend” is that when we are teenagers, we are naive and the concept of marriage is so far away, titles really don’t matter.  But, later in life, relationships potentially become more serious and titles imply rather permanent things like marriage, which we may not be ready for.  I believe there is a middle ground where you can be boyfriend and girlfriend but share an understanding that marriage is not on the horizon just yet.

-Johnny

Once upon a time, the “normal” dating relationship consisted of a man and woman with the woman being younger than the man by a couple years or so.  I’ve always wondered why this was the case and decided to investigate among the Korean-American community.

In speaking with several Korean-Americans in their 20′s and 30′s, I’ve noticed a few common themes that are not necessarily specific to Korean-Americans, but all people.  In general, women have been the ones driving this tradition.  When a man meets a woman, age is not something that comes to his mind (unless it is of course a question of whether she is too young…. for legal reasons).  However, when a woman meets a man, it seems that among those that I spoke with, age is a huge question mark.  Why?  Simple.  Women, as they become more mature, start thinking about family and their future.  So, naturally, they are attracted to men who have stable jobs and have building a family as part of their future goals.

Another common perception that women have of younger guys is that they are naturally less mature.  They feel that men have more to “get out of their system” and need to “grow up” and as a result, prefer to find someone older.  I’m not sure how much this is nature vs. nurture, but there probably is some part of the male animal instinct that wants to stay out in the “wild”.

While I can understand the sentiments of women 30,20, and even up to 10 years ago, today’s society has transformed so much since when the mainstream culture and mindset was “man works, woman takes care of home.”  Certainly, this formula can still work, and to each his or her own, but let’s take a honest look at how our culture and society has changed today and how we can adapt.

Today, women are becoming more active and prominent in the workforce.  Women are becoming partners at investment banks, law firms, and taking positions as executives of Fortune 500 companies (Andrea Jung, CEO of Avon shown left).   Even though men still make up the majority of the workforce, the growth of women in business has been so strong, one has to consider the phrase “woman works, man takes care of home.”  Does it sound weird?  Women have proven they are fully capable of developing a professional career, having babies, and then continuing their career.  So the question to men is, are you ready to be a stay at home dad?

Speaking with several Korean American’s, I asked a series of questions and was surprised at the responses.  A lot of the Korean American guys I talked to said they would be open to being a stay at home dad.  A lot of them felt with the internet, they could find a way to still “work” while learning ways to take care of the home.  Of course, the reaction from our parents would be less favorable.  In Korean culture, even today, being a housewife is really only an occupation for women.  However, in the United States, it seems we have to be more open given the growth of women as valuable members in the workforce.

If stability is less of a concern since woman too can have stable careers, then would they be open to dating a younger guy?  The answer from my female peers was a lukewarm “maybe”.  They still maintain the mindset that maturity comes with age and that maturity is synonymous with stability.   Among the guys I spoke to, the consensus was a definite “yes” to being open to dating older women.  Many of the Korean American men I spoke to feel like they have stable careers and if they met the right girl, could settle down.

So after all these conversations, I started to believe that the tradition of women only dating older men is only in people’s heads.  I think we need to get out of the old way of thinking and adapt to the new.  To be honest, sometimes I find older women more attractive because they know what they want.  Younger people usually have to figure that out, which comes with time.  But, every person is different so why not get to know the person, be open-minded and see where that goes?! (See Demi and Ashton!)

Here are 3 points for men to consider when meeting an older woman:
1.  Don’t be afraid to let girls know you have a good, stable job.
2. If relevant, feel free to talk about family values and perhaps even goals you may have
3. Make her feel young – be upbeat about life and show self control

Here are 3 points for women to consider when meeting a younger man:
1. If he makes you feel young or happy, age really doesn’t matter, does it!
2. If he is passionate about life and his career, that’s called stability in a nutshell
3. Just because he doesn’t jump up and down about kids doesn’t mean he’s not ready, just a little convincing!

-Johnny

My parents worked hard to provide me one of the best educations they could.  So, they sent me to an all boys Catholic high school.  I loved the experience as a matter of fact.  Sports was by far the highest priority and it’s what gives me the competitive spirit in everything that I do today.  However, when it came to girls, we didn’t interact with them everyday.  My friends, who went to the public high school, were getting to know new girls everyday.  I guess my parents probably knew this beforehand thinking girls would definitely be a distraction from my studies and compromise my ability to get into a great University.

Even going to an all boys school, I somehow managed to meet girls during high school.  Friends would introduce me to girls and I was never one to turn down a “meet up”.  However, it was my parents who somehow became the obstacle to my dating life.

Since my parents were so invested in my education, they felt anything outside of school was a distraction that would somehow jeopardize my ability to get into a good college.  As a result, being on the debate team, the tennis team, the wrestling team were not considered distractions to my studies but girls definitely were.  I remember several occasions where I would be talking on the phone to a girl on the telephone and out of nowhere my mom would pick and ask “Did you finish your homework?”  Talk about ruining someone’s game!  Even on nights I went out to dinner with a “friend”, my mom would wait up and somehow know the minute we pulled into the driveway and escort me inside.

Eventually, I figured out a solution to beat the unnecessarily strict guidlines of my parents.  I would fib and say “Mom, I think I study better at Barnes and Noble.  Would you mind taking me there, drop me off and pick me up when I call?”  When my mom heard that I was going to study at a bookstore, she asked “Why not at library?” I responded “Well at Barnes and Noble, they have more recent books and unlike the library, nothing is ever ‘checked out’.”  Lucky for me, she believed me.  What she didn’t know was that it was at Barnes and Noble where we would all get together and hang out, like a study and social night.

Fast forward 10 years.  Every week, I call my parents just to check in and see how things are going.  Each time I call, I always get the same questions, “Do you have a girlfriend?  When do you think you’ll get married?  What about grandchildren?”  My quick response is, “No.  When I’m ready.  Sure, I can go make a baby right now if you want”  They didn’t really appreciate any of my responses, but every time they ask, I think back to my high school days when they wanted to “cock-block” me like it was their job and now they want me to be settled down with kids.  Wha????

I asked my parents what led to their change of heart.  The simple response was that as a high school student, they wanted me to focus on getting into the best college possible and didn’t want any distractions.  10 years later they feel comfortable about where I am in my career, so they want me to move on with the next phase of life, family.  In my opinion, I think they’re more comfortable now since they have less direct responsibility over my life.  In any case, I’m not sure if any of you feel these pressures from your families and find the change of heart to be unexpected or even stressful, but I know that for me there’s no switch that you flip to go from “not married” to “married with kids”.  However, I do understand my parents are getting older and they have a dream of having grandchildren.

For those of you still in high school, my advice would is to try and understand that your parents have some of your best intentions at heart, but at the same time, if you don’t socialize and date girls, you’ll be a couple years behind when it comes to college.  So try to find ways, via clubs, volunteering or friends to meet as many people as possible.  If you have to, tell your parents you want to study at Barnes and Noble or at a Borders.

If you’re done with college and feel the pressures of mom and dad asking for grandchildren, I would suggest you try to use some of the same tactics one would use in high school. Get involved in clubs, organizations, and even work-related activities to meet people.  However, you should try manage your parent’s expectations and let them know that you too want to be able to start a family and have kids and you’re doing your best to make that happen.

At the end of the day, whether you are 20, 30, or even 40 years old, meeting people is only in your best interest.  I do find it tough to comprehend that my parents went from “Say no to girls” to “Where are my grand kids?”, but it all comes back to why they immigrated or moved…. to give you the best opportunities possible.  They want all the sacrifices they made for their family to mean something and last beyond 1 generation.

-Johnny

As a follow up to last week’s piece on “What do Korean American Women Want”, this week we will take a look at the opposite perspective.  There isn’t much of a background story to tell except that these reflections are based on my personal experiences, either first hand or stories I have heard from those around me.

Simply put, Korean American men are one of the most insecure species on this planet.  When I say planet, I’m including not just humans, but among all mammals.  For now, I’m going to exclude Korean men from my discussion because they have their own set of issues that are vastly different than the Korean American male.

In the United States, when it comes to dating and social culture, you can’t get much lower on the totem pole than being a Korean American male.  Growing up, we’re the most sheltered among all our peers (a lot of girls like the “bad boy” vibe which we are not, we’re not genetically built to stand out in any American sports except for maybe tennis, golf, baseball, and perhaps soccer.  Lastly, Asian men, in general, aren’t considered sexy or hot.  I’m not saying this applies to all Korean American males, but from my experience, this has been more common than not.  The cultural history of our “species” has shown we’re not the high school quarterback that all the girls cheer for on the sidelines.  We’re the dorky, smart, or quiet “Asian guy” when compared to those around us.

As a result, we are really insecure.  We don’t have the confidence to ask girls out, especially the outgoing and good looking ones.  And if she’s non-Asian, we probably barely have the courage to even have a conversation with them. Of course we think we’re smart and sometimes have a sense of humor, but we don’t get the feedback from girls that give us the confidence to just go for it and ask someone out.  But, a lot of this is due to Asian girls also having the similar insecurities and what would solve this whole dilemma is for girls to show a little more effort or feedback when she think an awkward Asian dude is trying to talk to you.

At the end of the day, I think what Korean American Men want is rather simple.  We want security.  We want to date girls that can shelter us from the stereotypes of the real world and make us feel like we are the alpha males we want to be.  We want the person we date to be like our mothers in a way; someone to take care of us and be supportive no matter what we do.  We want a Korean American girl who knows how to adapt to the modern customs of American dating, appreciate the value of career development ,  and understand some of the “Asian values” taught to us by our parents.

In talking with a bunch of my peers, there were some common things we as Korean American men want in a girl:

1. A Looker: Someone attractive (to each his own and Korean is probably the preferred ethnicity, but we all want to date a “white girl” once, right? jk )
2. Options: Is willing and capable to pursue and develop her career or raise family or both.
3. Bi-lingual: There’s no better way to win parents over than speaking in Korean to them.
4. Says “No” to: Smoking, Drugs, and perhaps once in awhile Alcohol
5. Modestly Outgoing:  We want girls who know how to have fun, but not too much fun!
6. Anti-cling: For some reason, clingy girls were cool to date in high school, but now someone who can balance affection and independence is ideal.
7. Material Girl… Not: Well dressed girls definitely can catch a guys eye, but too much bling and all we think is “$kaching!”

I think this is a good start, but feel free to provide feedback or add to the list.  One disclaimer is that because we Korean American men are so insecure, it’s tough to know what we want, but at the end of the day, if you make us feel like Tom Brady’s got nothing on us, we’ll love you.

-Johnny