Growing up, it was very black and white for me when it came to labeling a relationship.  For me, it was all or nothing.   Without really ever considering marriage as a real option, I took relationships as serious as I could.   When I reached college, I was introduced to a variety of gray zones that changed my perspective on dating as I learned new terms and ways to define “relationships”.

A lot of my peers grew up feeling that relationships didn’t have to be all or nothing.  They used phrases such as “im just seeing her” or “we’re just talking” or “we’re casually dating”.  And I was always confused as to how two people in a so-called relationship could technically not be in a relationship.  They would avoid the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” like it was the plague and deny any existence of commitment.  Why was this and, more importantly, was it for the better?

Even today, I know several friends who look up and shrug their shoulders when they are asked if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend.  Others deny they are in a relationship and say “im sorta seeing someone, but it’s not that serious”.  On the flip side, I meet a lot of people who are “in love” and post their relationship status on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and perhaps even their resumes.  So the question is what makes people so fond of being in a relationship but others so afraid?

One explanation is that it’s an indicator of how you feel about the potential of the relationship.  In other words, if you really like someone, why wouldn’t you want to be officially in a relationship with them and let others know?   The obvious benefit being that it deters anybody else from going after your boyfriend/girlfriend, but more importantly it shows that both parties are happy to be in their current relationship.  So if you don’t want someone to be your girlfriend, maybe you don’t like them enough?

A second explanation is fear.  Perhaps the reason one doesn’t want titles in a relationship is because they were hurt in a prior relationship and prefer to keep things casual so they don’t get hurt again.   While I understand this thinking, I don’t agree since all relationships depend on each person’s effort and commitment for the relationship to work.  And although you may want casual, it will eventually lead to something serious if indeed you really like someone.

A third explanation is that it’s a purely physical relationship.  Some people just care about the sex or the physical presence of another person and don’t want it to go beyond that. This is fine with me as long as both people are aware.   However, in most cases, if not all, someone is bound to get hurt because it’s human nature to develop a sense of attraction or attachment regardless of the predetermined conditions.

In the end, I think the answer to the question in the title for me is “Probably”.  I think all relationships need to be defined so that expectations can be clearly communicated.  I can understand that people can be scared of commitment and taking things too seriously.  But I’m a big believer in organic growth of any relationship.  If you really develop a sense of attractive and connection, why not take it seriously?

While titles aren’t necessary if two people are committed, ambiguity leaves room for manipulation and misinterpretation, which leads to heartache.  Perhaps one explanation for the disconnect of whether or not we want to be labeled “boyfriend or girlfriend” is that when we are teenagers, we are naive and the concept of marriage is so far away, titles really don’t matter.  But, later in life, relationships potentially become more serious and titles imply rather permanent things like marriage, which we may not be ready for.  I believe there is a middle ground where you can be boyfriend and girlfriend but share an understanding that marriage is not on the horizon just yet.

-Johnny

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