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As a follow up to last week’s piece on “What do Korean American Women Want”, this week we will take a look at the opposite perspective. There isn’t much of a background story to tell except that these reflections are based on my personal experiences, either first hand or stories I have heard from those around me.
Simply put, Korean American men are one of the most insecure species on this planet. When I say planet, I’m including not just humans, but among all mammals. For now, I’m going to exclude Korean men from my discussion because they have their own set of issues that are vastly different than the Korean American male.
In the United States, when it comes to dating and social culture, you can’t get much lower on the totem pole than being a Korean American male. Growing up, we’re the most sheltered among all our peers (a lot of girls like the “bad boy” vibe which we are not, we’re not genetically built to stand out in any American sports except for maybe tennis, golf, baseball, and perhaps soccer. Lastly, Asian men, in general, aren’t considered sexy or hot. I’m not saying this applies to all Korean American males, but from my experience, this has been more common than not. The cultural history of our “species” has shown we’re not the high school quarterback that all the girls cheer for on the sidelines. We’re the dorky, smart, or quiet “Asian guy” when compared to those around us.
As a result, we are really insecure. We don’t have the confidence to ask girls out, especially the outgoing and good looking ones. And if she’s non-Asian, we probably barely have the courage to even have a conversation with them. Of course we think we’re smart and sometimes have a sense of humor, but we don’t get the feedback from girls that give us the confidence to just go for it and ask someone out. But, a lot of this is due to Asian girls also having the similar insecurities and what would solve this whole dilemma is for girls to show a little more effort or feedback when she think an awkward Asian dude is trying to talk to you.
At the end of the day, I think what Korean American Men want is rather simple. We want security. We want to date girls that can shelter us from the stereotypes of the real world and make us feel like we are the alpha males we want to be. We want the person we date to be like our mothers in a way; someone to take care of us and be supportive no matter what we do. We want a Korean American girl who knows how to adapt to the modern customs of American dating, appreciate the value of career development , and understand some of the “Asian values” taught to us by our parents.
In talking with a bunch of my peers, there were some common things we as Korean American men want in a girl:
1. A Looker: Someone attractive (to each his own and Korean is probably the preferred ethnicity, but we all want to date a “white girl” once, right? jk )
2. Options: Is willing and capable to pursue and develop her career or raise family or both.
3. Bi-lingual: There’s no better way to win parents over than speaking in Korean to them.
4. Says “No” to: Smoking, Drugs, and perhaps once in awhile Alcohol
5. Modestly Outgoing: We want girls who know how to have fun, but not too much fun!
6. Anti-cling: For some reason, clingy girls were cool to date in high school, but now someone who can balance affection and independence is ideal.
7. Material Girl… Not: Well dressed girls definitely can catch a guys eye, but too much bling and all we think is “$kaching!”
I think this is a good start, but feel free to provide feedback or add to the list. One disclaimer is that because we Korean American men are so insecure, it’s tough to know what we want, but at the end of the day, if you make us feel like Tom Brady’s got nothing on us, we’ll love you.
-Johnny
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October 18th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Please change the title of this entry to
“Why is Johnny so insecure?”
October 19th, 2009 at 9:02 am
October 19th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
I agree with what A says;I too love watching k-dramas and think that korean men are VERY attractive!. As a fellow adoptee, I was never raise with any Asians even living in the suburbs of NY (Long Island). I do wish I have met them early on and dated one. Now being older and meeting a lot more Korean men I now know what to teach my son. I hope to make him a positive catch when he becomes a man that all the women admire and want. It’s nice to see what a man’s point of view is.
October 19th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I agree with David Lee’s comment–I know plenty of Korean Americans and none of them are so insecure or whiny about their ethnic situation. You can’t write an article saying that ALL Korean men feel a certain way because it’s completely untrue.
By the way, your whole, “…but we all want to date a “white girl” once, right?” comment just makes you sound completely ignorant. I never thought that white women were seen as temporary-dating-trophies, and it kind’ve makes me never want to run into someone like you in real life. I’m fully white, have dated Asian men on more than one occasion, but never because, “I just want to date an ‘asian guy’ once, right?” I think you need to look in a mirror and reevaluate your perception of not only your own race, but the race of everyone else you seem to have judged so haphazardly.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
I’m Caucasian and have always had a lot of Korean friends, male and female, and I don’t think many of them suffered this condition. And I’ve known a fair number of pretty hot Korean-American guys, and stunning Korean-American women. The one Korean American guy I dated had the reverse of the stereotype you describe – tried to bully me in pretty much every domain. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last.
December 30th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
I really agree with you, all the Korean guys that go to my school are really shy and I asked them why, but they never really talk. Now I know..thanks!!
January 5th, 2010 at 3:27 pm
I’m a “strong” independent white woman who stayed up all night last night crying and carrying on, feeling like such a fool that I have no idea if the man I love even remotely feels the same for me. He has a Korean father and an American mother. It was only after a month of ‘dating’ that we shared any intimacy, and now, 3 months later, he has still not initiated a kiss. When we have sex, I enjoy pleasing him but except for once, he doesn’t return the attention. I plan to read on about the Korean American male before I give up on him, but it is truely tearing me apart. I am with him because he makes me laugh, he challenges me to think and speak more intelligently, and I want to support him for I know his talents will take him far.
February 12th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
All these comments are correct. But you can only make an educated statement having known every Korean-American male in society, which is impossible.
Everyone has their own experiences and will make their own conclusions.
To support Johnny with his insecurity stance, living in NY, I’d love to say I’ve seen it all. Shy, mediocre, thug, intellectually confident, smug, playboy, and charming/romantic. It all depends on how each guy copes with his insecurity. Maybe they all started at one point being a shy introvert. But through all the media attention, parents, big brothers, friends, environment etc, sets an example for them. They’re awkward and probably wouldn’t even know what to do with a woman if they got their hands on one at first. But everyone can learn through trial and error.
There’s a complex that Asians in general deal with, and we all know what that horrible stereotype is. But I think what these Korean-American guys need to understand is that if you’re confident as a whole in your entire persona, the rest doesn’t matter. And if it does, that girl is probably not worth getting to know. Those are the girls that can make any man feel insecure.
To support the opposing opinion, in my personal experience living on Long Island and going to NYC everyday, a majority of the Korean-American males I’ve come into contact with were pretty over-confident. They’re trying to over compensate for something else, probably the frustration from being so reserved is projecting itself through other ways. The conflict, that there are strict Korean traditions they’re expected to adhere to as well as the freedom of “self” that Korean-American males wish they could express openly.
The area these individuals grow up in plays a huge role on how their personality develops. They want to survive in Brooklyn, they’re going to have to adapt to certain customs. Worse case scenario, therefore producing an alpha male ego that may end up beating on a girlfriend.
Every situation and the way every person adapts to it is extremely unique. Its the amount of confidence that the individual has to break away and find his own image apart from what’s expected of him. There’s no crime in being smart, family oriented, and traditional as long as you carry yourself with a sense of dignity and individualism that will set you apart. If you want the girl, go ask. If she says no for the wrong reasons, then she may have her own set of preferences that she’s unwilling to bend. Move on, she doesn’t express the opinion of every woman in the world. Don’t ask, don’t get.
If worse comes to worse, try being gay. I support you.